i went to micah's father's day ice cream special at his preschool as The Other Parent, one of the only women in a roomful of men. all the preschoolers sang a song about how they love daddy, and i cringed for micah's sake. i don't want to add negative charge to this whole paradigm problem in his life, but no matter how much i hide my chagrin, i'm sure he somehow perceives it. he was utterly distracted through the whole peformance, so i'm not even going to post the video of it. for once i was actually really grateful for his inability to focus, i hoped his disengagement would protect him from his feeling of alienation. he ran up to me in the audience right afterwards and was beaming to see me. he hugged me, i took pictures. at one point he said rather seriously, "i have a dad too. he's far away. he was mean to me and mommy when i was little. he's learning to be nice." i nodded placidly as i am wont to do when freaking out inside. i added, "i'm your parent too, you know that right?" I thought he wasn't listening, but then he surprised me by saying, "i have known my whole life that you are my other parent!" and looked at me impatiently, like duh.
which seems to me like a confirmation that a missing dad is so far, still just a label, not an actual emotional hole.
2 comments:
micah has a remarkable brain.
and btw those pictures of you two are the cutest things ever. ewwwww.
I'm suddenly realizing that you have entered into a phase in your life when picture taking is not a frightening, unbearable prospect...which is obviously very good for Micah who actually gets to take pictures with you. It's quite a change from your high school, draped hair, awkward, glaring photos.
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